Exhale
by WritingForHugs
Summary: Katniss leaves for District Two to be with Gale. Peeta writes her a letter. A letter to try and win her back. A letter to tell her everything. Post-Mockingjay. Oneshot.


AU Oneshot: As Katniss packs up her meagre belongings, heading away to District 2 to start a new life with Gale, to get away from everything, Peeta writes her a letter. A last attempt at keeping her by his side, despite everything they've been through. A chance to tell her everything.

* * *

_Katniss._

_I know that you don't want to read this. I know that you're on that hovercraft right now, curled up somewhere quiet and warm, telling yourself that we both deserve this, at least. And I thank you for reading this._

_Words can't say what I feel. If I really wanted you to know everything, I'd be following you right now instead of writing to you. I'm weak like that. I have a weakness for beautiful things, and seeing your face would distract me too much. Anyways, I've written to you in the hope that you'll see Gale as your new dandelion in the spring._

_The first thing I want to say is that I don't think you should_

_The first thing I want to say is that I love you. _

_People said that I was a monster. That the Capitol hijacked my memories. That I couldn't possibly learn to love you again after everything I had been put through. They did horrible things to me, Katniss. The stuff from nightmares._

_There were so many times when I just wanted to give up, to die, to get away from everything. They told me you were dead and I just couldn't live anymore. It confused me, though, because they showed me a video where you and Gale were kissing and laughing and being happy together but they said that you were dead. _

_All that time, and they were lying. I should've known. I should've known to trust my own memories. But it was so difficult. Trying to fight against them and my own head was difficult. I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I'm sorry I let them win._

_When I saw you I was confused. They told me that you'd be angry, disgusted, and that you'd try to kill me. And then you ran towards me and you looked happy and relieved and for split-second I wanted to be happy too, and then I just thought that you were a monster. I thought you were trying to manipulate me._

_Again._

_Like you did in the arena. When you led me on and let me believe that you loved me too. And I know that you only did it to stay alive. I know that. That is forgiven. I understand that you wanted to live, and that you wanted me to live as well. Only this time, I thought you were doing just to be spiteful. I saw how the other people reacted to you. When they sedated me and studied me I wondered what the hell you did to them to make them like you, and worry about me._

_Delly told me that the Capitol was the bad thing. That you were good. I didn't believe her. I hated you. I'm sure you hate me now. I'm sure you think that going to Gale is better than staying in a ghost town with a nutcase like me._

_Perhaps it is. _

_Perhaps in a few months I'll stop feeling like my whole world is crashing down and crushing me, and I'll realise that it's better for you to be away from here. Away from me. It'll be a like a breath of fresh air to reignite the flame inside you. I'm just heavy. Like ashes of the dead. I don't mean to be. I just get confused sometimes. _

_Real or not real; you told me that Gale had always loved you?_

_I know he loves you. I know he wants to care and protect you. I know that he's your best friend. I know that getting away is going to be better for you. I just wish I didn't want the best for you._

_I wish I was selfish. I wish I did something for my own selfish gain for once instead of allowing you to tread all over me, splintering my heart in the process._

_Because you are selfish. You are. You know you are. So many people have told me that I shouldn't like you, let alone love. People tell me that I'm wasting my time. I died in that second arena and was brought back to life. _

_I nearly died in the first. I died in the second. I died so many times in so many ways in the Capitol. I killed someone too. In the Capitol. I had a burst of anger when I saw a picture of you and just lashed out. The drugs they pumped into me suddenly weren't strong enough. _

_I've tried to die, Katniss, while I was alone in my house knowing you were meters away. Knowing that you hated me was too much. I know you want to die sometimes. I know you wanted to stop living to save me. _

_And I hate you for it. I hate you so much._

_That was stupid to think that I should live and you should perish. You don't understand that there would be nothing left for me if you were gone._

_But the more I hate you, the more confused I get, and the more I try to remember the good. I try to remember why I fell in love with you when I was five years old. I try to remember the precious smiles you gave me. I try to remember that you leaving it better for everyone except me._

_But I don't matter. Not now. This is about you getting better. Dr Aurelius says I'm better already, so I don't need help. But you do. You think you don't, but you do. I know you're hurting inside and I thought for some absurd reason that you'd be safer staying with me._

_You are not._

_I'm unstable. I'm a mess you don't need to be around. I wish I had just spoken to you after the first games, but I was angry. I was angry with you, when I should've gotten over myself and just asked for you to apologise, for you to never keep secrets from me ever again. I didn't. And I regret that so, so much._

_So, now you're going off to live with Gale. I suppose the reason for this letter was that I could get some closure. I'll stop waiting by the phone. Or for the sound of you walking up to my front door. Or the sound of you breathing in the dark._

_Tell Gale I said hi. Talk to your mother. She loves you. Go chop trees with Jo and don't hold back on anything, ever. Annie wants to see you, I'm sure. Haymitch will want an update. Effie too. Haymitch pretends he doesn't care, but he does. He really does. And Effie's officially weened herself off the hair dye! Madness, I know. What's happening with the world?_

_I wish you all the best in Two. I wish you the best for the future, whatever it may bring. If I don't hear from you or ever see you again, that's okay. It would probably be better, actually. _

_If you're still reading, don't keep this letter. Burn it. Don't let anything drag you down. Please don't. _

_I love you. _

_Don't wince at the word love, please. Because I love you like I love sunsets. I can never get enough of sunsets. They're continuously changing, a beautiful display of colour and emotion, but at their core, they're just the start of a new day. You're my sunset and my sunrise. I'm sure I'll spend many an evening looking up at the sunset or sunrise and wondering if you are looking at it too. Cheesy, I know. _

_It was real for me. It always was. Thank you for that. See you around, Katniss. _

_Always._

_Peeta._


End file.
